When I hit my blogging "slump" last week, I sent out a public plea for help. In so many words, I told my followers (no, I'm not the ring leader of the Sunshine Clorox Cult. I just mean my followers on various social networking sites), to please suggest ideas of things I could blog about. I wasn't disappointed. Apparently, my followers are as nearly bat shit crazy as I am. Nearly.
So, here are the topics that were suggested to me, and here is the crazy story I've concocted to tie it all together.
Christie-Why do hot dogs come in packages of eight, but buns come in
packages of ten? Why do little girl's clothing today have so much
glitter? And what the hell happened to Tab and Saccharine tablets?
Kelley-Please blog about rebel flag bikinis, the women who wear them, and the men who find them attractive.
Not My Real Name- I want to bask in those few moments when the husband
and kids are away and I can just sit down and relax. Blog about those
happy times...however rare they are.
Abby-The gruesome true story of childbirth, the impossible task
of keeping the house clean with kids, and Grandma's incessant urge to
call and drone on for hours about things when you are busy. It isn't
like you can cuss Grandma out and tell her to quit calling.
Paula- Delicious Memphis barbeque and its connection to diarrhea.
Summer- Avoiding eye contact with people you really don't want to see.
Beverly-Blog about how awesome I am. That post would take days.
Samantha R.- How did Back to the Future change your life?
Beth- Talking dolls.
J- Fuzznuts, the hamster that spins on my mind wheel.
P.J.-I want to discover a diet where bread is included but meat is not.
Tiffany-What the f&*k is Jeff from the Wiggles on to make him
so sleepy, and why do people put 22 inch rims on their 95 Corolla?
Goddess-I want to hear more embarrassing things and stories about
husbands running around like a moron at Dick's Sporting Goods.
is because we once made a hard core, totally awesome, video about a
Teletubby that had gone wrong and made drug deals out of Barbie's
Sarah J- Cheeseburgers
There once was a totally awesome girl named Beverly. I mean, she was so awesome that writing of her awesomeness would take days.
One Saturday, Beverly's husband was running around Dick's Sporting Goods like a Schnauzer at PetCo. You know, pissing on the floor and panting, while trying to find the perfect set of golf clubs. This shit took hours because he had to use the practice range at Dick's and begin a self-loathing cycle about how terrible his golf game had become, but held on to the hope that the perfect set of 3 million dollar golf clubs would improve his swing. He was fooling himself, but it took hours, nonetheless.
While her husband was away, awesome Beverly cleaned her house. She dusted and vacuumed the insane amount of glitter from her daughter's t-shirt off the floor and then she put 7,424 little Lego pieces in a Rubbermaid tote. And once she was done cleaning, she stopped to look around her house and it was just like the scene from "The Sixth Sense", where the mother turns around for a split second and all of the kitchen cabinets are mysteriously opened.
The dust was back, glitter covered the place like that weird stuff found in a snow globe, the Lego pieces were spread across the floor, a strange mud stain was in the middle of her freshly mopped kitchen floor. Even those scary talking dolls that Beverly put in her daughter's closet were sitting on the couch saying "Mama, I'm hungry." There were even Teletubbies, dressed as hard core gangsters, making a drug deal in a back alley behind the toy box. Beverly hung her head and cried. There was no way to keep her house clean with children running around. Although she was totally awesome, she had been defeated.
Later that afternoon, the kids were sent away to grandmother's house so that Beverly could have a relaxing evening at home. She was tired from cleaning, she was angry that her husband was at Dick's acting like a complete dick, and she was still reeling from the gruesome pains of childbirth from years earlier. So, she got out her donut pillow, had a seat and relaxed for a few moments. Totally awesome, blissful moments.
And then Beverly's stomach growled.
So, Beverly, being totally awesome, decided to cook herself a cheeseburger while her family was away. While preparing an awesome cheeseburger, her grandmother phoned. She wanted to talk about her bursitis and her neighbor's cat shitting in her flowerbed, but Beverly couldn't just hang up on her grandmother, so she painfully listened while Granny droned on and on. Alas! Beverly was saved by call waiting. But, on the other line was a telemarketer, an Arab gentleman by the name of Paul, and he side tracked her so much that she totally burnt her awesome cheeseburgers.
Once she had hung up on Paul, Beverly called her friend Susannah to bitch about the burnt cheeseburger. Damn Granny and that telemarketer for ruining that cheeseburger, it was going to be awesome. Just like Beverly.
Susannah, being the gorgeous, hilarious, and extremely smart friend that she was, thanks to the hamster that ran on a wheel in her head and gave her ideas, suggested that Beverly just go out to dinner. A totally genius idea.
Fuzznuts, the hamster responsible for working the wheel in Susannah's head to give her such a fabulous idea as going out to dinner, was born in a back alley in East Memphis. He got caught up with the wrong crowd, rats mostly, and found himself forging on left over barbeque in a dumpster.
One night, while suffering a terrible bout of Memphis barbeque induced diarrhea, Fuzznuts saw an inebriated Susannah singing "Jolene" in her best Dolly Parton voice, and immediately realized that her head must be
devoid of hamsters. She clearly needed some help. He immediately contacted Doc from Back to the Future and they devised an incredible scientific plan to insert Fuzznuts in Susannah's head. Since then, she never sings "Jolene" and has won 3 Nobel Peace Prizes.
Back to that awesome Beverly.
Beverly hopped in her absolutely absurd looking, yet awesome, 1995 Corolla with 22 inch rims and went to a totally awesome restaurant on the Tennessee River. This restaurant was supposed to be totally awesome, but it wasn't.
As soon as Beverly entered this establishment, she knew she was in the wrong place. She immediately tried to avoid eye contact with anyone by pulling out her cell phone and calling the Time and Temperature number and pretending there was a real person on the other line.
In one corner was a girl smoking Doral cigarettes in a rebel flag bikini. There was a greasy-headed dude in knock off Oakley sunglasses and Coors Light swim trunks drunkenly singing Waylon Jennings in her ear. Trisha Faye, the girl in the rebel flag bikini, had mascara stains on her cheeks from crying at the thick layer of redneck romance that Coors Light swim trunks was throwing at her. She was also crying from the stench in his breath, the chewing tobacco hanging from his lip, and the buffalo wing stain on his chin.
In another corner, Jeff from the Wiggles was there. He was passed out, of course, but no one was sure if it was from the large amounts of Jose Quervo, Ambien, or the fact that he constantly slept to help him forget the fact that he always wore a purple mock turtle neck and sang songs all day about driving in his little red car and eating fruit salad. Yummy. Yummy.
So, awesome Beverly had a seat and ordered a Tab. She requested tea with Saccharine tablets, but was informed that Saccharine had been taken off the market since it was known to give lab rats hemorrhoids. So, the Tab would have to do. She was in luck because they had a spare 2-litre in the back pantry from the year 1987. Fortunately, Tab is like fine wine. It's better with age.
Beverly thought she was in the mood for a cheeseburger, but she decided to order a hot dog. Her waitress told her they were out of hot dogs, but they had two spare buns since hot dogs come in packages of eight but the buns come in packages of ten. Beverly thought a bun, without the hot dog, but loaded down with relish and mustard might be pretty good. It was totally the opposite of the Atkins diet, but Beverly was too awesome to care.
And, once awesome Beverly ate her bread, finished her Tab, bought Trisha Faye a cover up, gave Coors Light swim trunks a Tic-Tac, bought Jeff from the Wiggles a shot of 5 Hour Energy, ran her 95 Corolla with 22 inch rims through the car wash, called her grandmother back to finish hearing about her bursitis, took Susannah's hamster Fuzznuts some Imodium AD because he had forged on Memphis barbeque and had diarrhea all up in Susannah's mind to the point that she talked incessantly about the gruesome pain of childbirth, picked up Back to the Future from Redbox, and retrieved her convulsing husband from Dick's, she relaxed on the couch and relished in her alone time.
Oh, and she watched episodes of "Charles in Charge."
Because Beverly was awesome. And so is Scott Baio.