When I Get That Feeling, I Need Subway Healing

When I was in high school, there was this really large fellow that worked at my hometown Subway. When I say Subway, I am referring to the restaurant and not the railway system.

I never knew the large fellow's name, but he had a gigantic head, covered in a haphazard beard and topped awkwardly with a Subway visor. A gold herringbone chain was always mangled in his thick chest hair, and his Subway shirt was ill fitting. Now that I think back on it, he was the spitting image of Gary from Teen Mom.

Well, guess who this stud muffin had his eye on? Little old me.

Gary was a real perv. He would make a grotesque kind of groan as he smothered mustard on my sandwich. Sometimes he would give me a wink as he threw an ice cream scoop of tuna on my wheat bread. He always asked me for my phone number, to which I replied "555-Hell No" as I grabbed my sandwich and ran, yes ran, out the door. 

But, now that I think about it, Subway is FULL of sexual energy, isn't it?

Let's examine the facts.

In no other establishment can you request anything with the words "six inch meatball". Looky there. You've just described the average man's genitalia. Lovely, isn't it?

Let's add the various "condom" ments squirting rapidly from nozzles, toasted buns and endless photographs of subway tunnels on the walls. Oh, and there are also gloves involved.

Then, you mosey over to the beverage dispenser to see a life size cut out of Michael Phelps in a Speedo. There's also some nerd named Jared standing around holding really large pants in his hand. 

Do you see where I am going with this?

Yes, Subway is full of sexual energy. So, I guess Gary wasn't really a pervert. He was trapped in soft core porn 8 hours of the day. Throw in a cable installer and you've got the makings of some prime time post 10 pm Cinemax programming.

If your relationship is lacking in the intimacy department, forget the lingerie and self help books. All you need to do is cast flirtatious eyes upon your significant other and whisper...

"Baby, let's Eat Fresh."