Last month (and last year), I said that I was going to start blogging more often because Stephen King told me that's what I needed to do.
Sorry that I haven't met your expectations, Stevie.
I've really wanted to blog, but I've been devoid of all thoughts and ideas. My mind has been closed up tighter than a fireworks stand on the fifth of July. I've actually heard the chirping of crickets while trying to come up with an interesting blog post.
I've cursed my image in the mirror, and I've scraped Cheez Whiz out of the jar with a spatula because I've disappointed Stephen King and my followers.
I tried to crank out a couple of posts over the last few weeks, but in all honesty, those posts blew. Those posts sucked. Those posts blew and sucked, simultaneously.
Since cranking out scarce, crappy material, my page views have dropped substantially. Where I once got 50-3000 comments on a single post, I am lucky to get three comments now days. Another reason to shove Cheez Whiz in my jowls.
(Don't get me wrong. I really LOVE my faithful followers who've continued to leave me comments, even though my recent posts have blown and sucked, simultaneously.)
Just when I was thinking of closing up shop and turning my back on the world o' blogging...
Alas! Hark! Something finally happened that motivated me, inspired me, and got my writing wheels a-turning....right in my hometown Dollar General.
If you've been one of my followers for more than a minute, then you know that I hail from Podunk, Tennessee, population 4,000.
Just because I live in a small community, it doesn't mean that I know everyone around these parts. No, I know enough people, but we are constantly getting "new people" because our magnificent, award winning schools suck these parents in like my dust buster sucks up boogers from my son's train table. (Because he likes to pick his nose while he plays trains. Duh.)
While browsing the applesauce section at our town's central hub (Dollar General), I was disgruntled because the Mott's Natural Applesauce was sold out, and there was nothing left but that Clover Valley Brand Applesauce with its maltodextrin and mofodextrin and other mysterious chemicals that give 8 year old girls boobs.
I just want to feed my children organic applesauce. You know, the kind that Diane Keaton made in Baby Boom. Good old natural country baby applesauce.
**All names from this point forward have been changed to protect the normal**
"Excuse me," I heard as my eyes continued to scan the shelves. "Are you Susannah?"
As my eyes shifted from the shelves to this thirty-something well-dressed lady, I felt that it was safe to answer her question.
"Yes," I nodded, checking once more that there wasn't a firearm in her brown soft-leather handbag.
"Do you have a blog?" this stranger smiled.
I had the urge to take three steps back and put myself in the fighting stance because I was certain that I had probably offended this woman in a blog post. She continued to smile, and she made no sudden moves, so I confirmed that I do, indeed, blog.
"My friend, Ellie Hoffstettler, pinned your blog a few weeks ago."
"She did?" I asked, not knowing who Ellie Hoffstettler was and not knowing a thing about pinning anything, seeing as how I'm the only person alive that doesn't use Pinterest.
"Do you know Ellie?"
I shook my head.
"Gloria Von Shuttenberg told her about your blog. Do you know Gloria?" she continued to smile.
"I know the name. Is she married to Edvard Von Shuttenberg?"
"Yes she is. Their daughter, Alexandra Von Shuttenberg and Ellie's daughter, Franka Hoffstettler are friends. I think Gloria found your blog on Facebook. Someone shared it and then she read it, and she pinned it," she explained the journey that my blog had taken from FB to Pinterest.
"Wow," I beamed. "That's amazing."
"I laughed so hard at your vlog. That shower.....door.....falling on your....shower....cap," she laughed and made motions to represent the glass falling on my head.
Unbelievable, I thought. I've been discovered. A stranger is telling me my own story. A stranger! My story! Amazing!
"Well, thank you so much for reading my blog. You have no idea how much I appreciate it," I said as I pulled a box of Goldfish from the shelf and autographed it for this kind, sweet stranger.
I didn't do that.
"I will have to blog about this," I told her as she laughed and we parted ways.
And that's exactly what I'm doing.
I'm somebody! I'm somebody! Some stranger in my Podunk, Tennessee Dollar General knows me! She knows a shower door fell on me!
I HAVE ARRIVED!
I never caught your name, nice Dollar General lady, but thank you. And, like your personality and the self esteem boost that you provided, your scarf was beautiful.
I'm linking up with the fabulous bloggers at Yeah Write this week.