PODUNK, TN- Onlookers cheered as a woman attending a birthday
party with her children at Chuck E. Cheese’s began cleaning the establishment,
but the cheers turned to uprisings when police officers stormed the arcade and
demanded that the woman stop or she would be arrested.
"That lady was doing us all a service," Lily
Faye Watson of Podunk told us. "The only crime committed here was
those pigs forcing her to put down her mop."
Susannah Lewis, 32, was arrested on Friday after she held a
Chuck E. Cheese employee at gunpoint and demanded the keys to the supply closet. Once
she gained access to unused bottles of Lysol, hand sanitizer, a Dirt Devil
vacuum and a Swiffer Wet Jet, she mopped
the terrified employees' urine from the floor and proceeded
to clean the entire 3,200 square foot fun-place.
"She was going to town! I watched her disinfect everything
from skee balls to slides. She refilled the hand sanitizer dispenser and she
even Windexed the Ticket Blaster. It was an inspiration, really,” said one
spectator. “And then those cops put her in handcuffs. They said something about
her putting a pistol to some employee’s head, but what’s the harm in that? She
didn’t kill anybody. She probably saved
lives that day.”
Chuck E. Cheese’s on Dirt Road has failed an astounding number
health inspections since May 2013. The Daily’s own Diana Hopkins of “Dirty
Diana’s Dirty Dining” segment reported last month that the restaurant had
failed inspections for an array of violations including “salad tongs riddled
with cat urine, improperly and obscenely stored pepperoni and boogers on
everything.” An actual live rat named Chuck was detained from the establishment
in June 2013 after defecating in the ball pit.
“I understand that this is an extremely disgusting place,”
Officer Reginald P. Swine commented, “but you can’t just come up in here and
hold someone at gunpoint because there is Dysentery brewing on the
confetti-covered carpet. I mean, I wish you could, but you can’t.”
Three other parents were detained for rioting, throwing greasy
slices of pizza and jumping on police officer’s backs while shouting, “Swiffer,
Susannah, Swiffer!”, but they were released on their own recognizance.
We spoke with Mrs. Lewis’ attorney, I.M. Liar via telephone on
Saturday. “Mrs. Lewis understands that holding an employee at gunpoint to gain
access to cleaning supplies is wrong, but in her defense, she asked Chuck E.
Cheese personnel several times that day to remove snot, Salmonella, and marinara
sauce from her table. When she was ignored, she decided to take matters into
her own hands.”
Mrs. Lewis has been charged with displaying a firearm in an
angry and threatening manner with the intention to clean. She is being held
without bail at the Shady Ladies’ Correction Facility. Fellow inmates say that her cell is spotless,
and she even whittled soap out of a gun.
And the patrons all got sick as dogs 'cause there were no germs to balance out their digestive bacteria. Hahaha
ReplyDeleteYes! That was a good one!
ReplyDeleteThe dirt and disease was probably the only thing holding most of Chuck E. Cheese together.
ReplyDeleteTruer words have never been spoken.
DeleteI read this when it was up for Blogger Idol - loved it! We have a McDonald's play area nearby that could use some of your criminal behavior.
ReplyDeleteOh, our McDonalds is putrid. Thank you!
Deletelove it!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, mamma!
DeleteI.M. Liar - ha!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad someone got that one :)
DeleteI hate Chuck E. Cheese and I love this!
ReplyDeleteI do, too, and I'm so glad!
DeleteIn true "Onion" style. This is great!
ReplyDeleteI love the "Onion"! I'm so glad someone compared it to that!! :)
DeleteSo true Onion style! Thank you for a thoroughly enjoyable read with a side of uncontrollable laughter!!
ReplyDeleteNo, thank YOU, Linda!!
DeleteLord knows, if you're going to store your pepperoni, it has to be in a proper and decent manner!
ReplyDeleteGood one! :)
Certainly!!! Thanks!
DeleteSometimes I look at those places and just want to go crazy with a little disinfectant, too.
ReplyDeleteStill laughing. As many times as I've seen parents change diapers on the tables, I vowed long ago NEVER to touch food in that hole again.
ReplyDeleteSad that you didn't survive this past week of Blogger Idol. I liked this entry. Having read your other stories of germaphobia, I felt like you really did a great job with this assignment of creating a believable news story while sharing a bit of your personality and revealing your great sense of humor. Congratulations on making it into the Top 13.
ReplyDelete