Out with the Old, In with the New....Again

I do not make New Year Resolutions. I make New Day Resolutions. I make a list daily, mark things off as I accomplish them, and feel extreme gratification before I go to sleep at night. There is no way in hell I am setting myself up for 365 days of promises only to fail and then fall into a depression. Who needs that?

I am aware that these resolutions are all the rave right now. It's still January and still fresh on everyone's mind. I had a conversation with two ladies today about all of the goals they had set before them. I was exhausted by the time they were finished droning on about calories and nicotine and the golden rule. Even though I don't have resolutions, I have answers for the most common ones. Why? Because I like to tell people what to do, that's why.

Lose Weight
Boy, this is the big one every year isn't it? I have dieted on January 1-8. By the time the first week is over, I am exhausted, pissed, hungry and still fat as ever. I was a fat kid and have always been dissatisfied with my weight. I have done everything from Slim Fast to Fasting and nothing ever worked. It was only this past April that Chrissy Snow (Suzanne Somers for those of you not familiar with Three's Company) taught me how to diet the right way. I can't believe I read a book by Mrs. Somers, but I did- and it opened my eyes to how dangerous food are now days. Chemicals, hormones, additives, preservatives- all these things are making us fat. I know, I know, this all sounds ridiculous at first. I sound like a health nut that forges on nuts and berries all day. I was as skeptical as you. I rolled my eyes at the women buying organic food at Kroger in their yoga clothes. I tuned out anyone that told me how dangerous processed foods were. I was in love with my Number 3 Value Meal from ANY fast food restaurant (I've learned that a number 3, no matter where you eat, is always the best meal.) It wasn't until I was desperate to get my baby weight off that I read Suzanne's book. And it wasn't until then that my eyes were opened, and I completely changed the way I would feed myself and my family. As a result, 40 pounds fell off my body and I was an official believer. Don't get me wrong-I still have my Number 3 on occasion. Moderation is key, here. So, my answer to weight loss is read this book. I've turned quite a few people onto this book and they all agree. Suzanne Somers, "Sexy Forever". The name is cheesy. The results are not.

Quit Smoking
I smoke and I have no interest to quit at this present time, but with all of the Nicorette coupons in the paper on the first Sunday of the month, I know millions are opting to resolve this horrible habit at the beginning of the year. My suggestion is take Chantix. Forget all of the warnings associated with this drug. Take it and if you commit suicide your smoking problem is solved. If you kill your spouse, you will be incarcerated and your smoking problem is solved. Another option is to get pregnant. This is the only thing that causes me to quit cold turkey. If either of these options aren't right for you, then you are welcome to join me on my patio and have a cigarette with me while we come up with another plan.

Be a Kinder Person
Yeah, I hope that one works out for you. Go to any Gibson County Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon and this resolution will go out the damn window-so will the stop smoking one. Seriously, this is a lovely goal. We should all be kinder, but you just can't be kind to some people. Sad, but true.

Save Money
Read a Dave Ramsey book, cut up your credit cards, quit swiping your debit card, pay for things with cash, and stop buying shit you don't need. This woman today says she and her husband need to get out of debt and 10 minutes later she started talking about her upcoming Cancun trip. Cancun and saving money don't mix, lady. It ain't rocket science.

Learn Something New
I am all for learning something new. However, if you have a hard time making a Smore, I don't think you should enroll in culinary classes and try to whip out a recipe that involves lamb.  My point is that learning something new is a wonderful goal, but don't attempt to learn something that you have no interest in or you know you cannot do. I hear all the time, "you can do anything if you set your mind to do it!" This is false. I learned something new-that this phrase is total BS most of the time. If you can't draw the turtle on the back of the Art Institute application, then you will not have your own art gallery any time soon. There are some things you just CAN'T do. I can't do crafts. I'm not going to sit at a table covered in yarn, buttons, glue, cotton balls and glitter. And I'm not going to sign up for a class at Hobby Lobby to teach me what to do with said mess on the table, but I'm okay with that. Don't be frustrated-use what God gave you and find something you actually have a shot at doing well.

Spend More Time with Family
This is what I call a guilty goal. Sure, if you are working 160 hours a week, on the verge of divorce, and your children call you by your first name, then spending time with family is a great and much needed goal. However, if you are a stay at home mother, spending every waking minute with your children and spouse, don't make this a resolution out of guilt because it sounds like the right thing to say- and then tagging the word "quality" on it. "Spend more QUALITY time with family!"  Here's my goal pertaining to this subject-spend less time with my family. As in-hang out by myself once in a while and not feel guilty about it.

Get Organized
This is simple. Buy a planner and some Rubbermaid totes and just do it. If you have a hoarding problem and can't bring yourself to throw away empty shampoo bottles and yellow newspapers from the 1970's, then get organized is the least of your problems. Get therapy should be at the top of your list.

I don't want to sound negative. Some people follow their New Year Resolutions and kudos to them. I'm just saying that people shouldn't set goals that are out of reach. This just adds to the self loathing cycle. And after years of disappointing yourself with failed resolutions, "Get Therapy" really might be at the top of your list.

Happy New Year. Put the cheese puffs down.