STFU, SAHM!

Oh, the holier than thou stay at home mother. The most tormented of souls, dissatisfied with life, whining about carpools and extracurricular activities, complaining about their terrible children, their selfish husbands, their sink full of dishes. I am a stay at home mother, I have tons of friends and relatives that are stay at home mothers, so I have authority on this subject.

If I hear one more SAHM complain about their resume of being a "chef, maid, chauffeur, and bookkeeper all rolled into one!" again, I am going to punch someone in the larnyx. Yes, I am all of these things, but I have learned not to complain about it.....as much.

Some women have to work. I have friends who leave their children in the care of strangers, only to come home after a tough day to learn that their kid took their first steps or said their first words, and Mrs. Sarah was the only one to witness it. Their heart sinks as they wish they could be there for those milestones. Praise God that I get to watch my boy say things for the first time, discover the repercussions of drinking toilet water, and learn what it's like to pee in the floor, slip in the puddle and bust his head on the hardwood.

I am thankful that I have the option of staying in my pajamas until 10 am. I am thankful I don't have to answer to some sleazy boss that tries to look down my blouse and treats me like a child (which makes him a pedophile for looking down someone he treats as a child's shirt).  I am thankful that I don't have to rush home after a long day at work to thaw a Stouffers lasagna . But, these SAHMs that think life is one putrid day after another make me sick to my stomach.

If you hate your life and hate your children, then get a job. Don't come knocking on my door, your hair a greasy mess, begging for caffeine and sitting at my kitchen table to complain for hours on end that your children are Satan's spawn.

Believe me, I get it. I know what it's like to have a shitty day. I know what it's like to run a 102 fever, with the intense desire to sleep, and still have to change poop diapers and chase a screaming toddler around the house. I get that it's a time consuming job. I just don't get how someone can complain about it day after day after day and not do anything about it. Check the classifieds and get a Xanax prescription.

Most of these stay at home mothers are incredibly spoiled. My husband spoils me, and I feel I owe him clean boxer shorts and a hot meal. I don't vacuum in high heels or give off a June Cleaver persona, but the guy gets up and goes to work everyday to provide for his family. I should keep up my end of the bargain. If you hate the monotony of your part of the deal, quit your bitching and do something else.

I am not downplaying the stress that comes along with my job. It is stressful, but so is delivering pizzas now days. You could actually get shot doing that! I am just so tired of these spoiled women, sitting in the lap of luxury, complaining the entire time they have to scrub a toilet. I'd hate for them to have to work an assembly line from 7-7, come home to do everything I do in a whole day, and try to fit in time for a pedicure.

I'd just like to hear one of these SAHMs say to me, "I am so blessed. I have a good husband, gorgeous and healthy children, a beautiful home, and I get to stay home and enjoy my blessings." Just say that to me one day out of the week, please! We can bitch about the accumulation of dust on our recently dusted furniture on Wednesdays. That's it! Let's just set Wednesday aside to do our griping about the gas we wasted hauling kids to soccer practice!

The only thing worse than these mothers are the self-righteous working mothers that think us stay at home mothers sit in bed and eat Cheetos all day. I will have you know that I haven't eaten a Cheeto in months! Besides, if I stayed in bed all day, my house would be burned to the ground and several calls would be placed to poison control. Stay in bed all day? I wish!

Conclusion: if you don't like your life, change it. If your kids and the crock pot are driving you crazy, find a hobby or a job or something you want to do. Plan a girls night out. When I am fortunate enough to get a girls night out, I am rejuvenated beyond belief. Either be content or quit your 24-7 complaining. You're giving us stay at home moms that enjoy being stay at home moms a bad wrap.