How I Deal with Awkward Situations

Don't we all rely on our cell phones in awkward situations?

I remember being in awkward situations before the days of cell phones, way back in the 90s. I would nervously fidget, chew my nails, squint my eyes like I saw someone I knew in the crowd in the distance, maybe even nod like the imaginary person I knew in the crowd in the distance had acknowledged me.

I have problems. 

I was recently in an uncomfortable situation. I had taken the boy to a play group, where I knew absolutely no one. This may come as a shock to you, but I am extremely shy in these situations. I smile and nod, but I am not the type to approach a group of women and start comparing menstrual cycles. No, I just kind of stand around by myself, very awkwardly, and I break out my cell phone so that I look too busy to care. I'm pretty sure people think I am rude, but I'm just shy. Really.

I'm not busy on the phone. I am merely looking at the weather, Googling my own name, or pretending to have a conversation with the Time and Temp lady on the other end of the line.

I have problems. 

So, the kid is off playing (very not-awkward-like with kids he's never met in his life), and for once, I was hoping he would run to me with a need- a diaper full of Juicy Juice induced poop would've been awesome. Even more awesome would be him picking up on my awkward vibes and loving me enough to come help a sister out.

"Hey, Mama. You look like a complete loser standing over here on the phone. You aren't fooling anybody. You aren't really busy. We all know you are commenting on Aunt Ida's Facebook status about running out of Aspercreme. So, I will make you a deal. I will strain really hard to shit my pants so we can disappear for a while and relieve this tension. Ready?"

What a cool kid.

But, he isn't a cool kid. He was more concerned with his happiness in the bouncy house than at his mother looking like an out of place moron.

So, I got stuck close to two ladies, with whom I had absolutely nothing in common. I'm not saying that I am cooler than them (I am), I am just saying that we had no common ground. In the following photos, we are literally on uncommon ground. Literally. See how the ground slopes and- well, you get the idea. 

I guess using your phone as a microphone to sing Michael Bolton Percy Sledge's version of "When a Man Loves a Woman", only adds to the awkward factor.


I don't guess it is as awkward as a drunk Meg Ryan falling through the shower door in the movie "When a Man Loves a Woman", though, right?

When I started this post, I didn't foresee the song or the movie "When a Man Loves a Woman" playing such a huge part. 

And I totally condone carpools, Tupperware and meringue pies. I just don't talk about these things at length like it is cool.

However, I do not condone Michael Bolton. Ever.

But I do condone Percy Sledge. Always.