My husband cheated on me last night.
He didn't show any remorse as he confessed the entire ordeal, in great gruesome detail. He said he met some slaw puppy while he was in Indiana on a business trip. He was actually bragging to me about things that they did in a penthouse bathroom . When I became visibly upset, he told me to quit my crying, and he casually went in the bathroom and shut the door. I was crying so hard that I nearly barfed, and I threw an air purifier at the door. Yes, an air purifier. Not a picture frame or a vase or even a lamp. An air purifier.
And then I woke up.
I hope that people that know us personally didn't quit reading this post before this point. My phone may be ringing off the hook soon, and the gossip will be spreading like herpes.
Although the cheating was merely a dream, when I woke up, I was absolutely flipping livid. I reached over and punched the crap out of Hubs.
Hubs: What the hell is that for?
Me: You sorry @*%$*@&! I know what you did last night!
Hubs: What?
Me: The tramp in Indiana?
Hubs: What?
Me: Don't play dumb with me, *@^*#$!
Hubs: What?
Me: Is she prettier than me?
Hubs: Who?
Me: The tramp in Indiana!
Hubs: What?
Me: Do you love her?
Hubs: Who?
Me: The tramp in Indiana!
Hubs: What?
Me: You had an affair with a tramp in Indiana! You confessed the whole thing to me! You bragged about it to me. You actually bragged about it!
Hubs: What?
Me: She wears thongs, doesn't she? I told you I refuse to put a piece of thread up my ass!
Hubs: Who?
Me: THE TRAMP IN INDIANA!
Hubs: What?
Seriously, this happened. I was in that strange phase where I wasn't asleep, but I wasn't fully awake. And I was livid.
Hours later, once I was fully awake, I was still livid. I squinted my eyes in fury at Hubs as he was taking a fish hook out of a Brim. I wanted to run up behind him and shove him right in the river.
Me: Does that whore like to fish?
Hubs: Who?
Me: The whore from Indiana. Does she like to fish with you, too?
Hubs: Do we have to go through this again?
Me: You're such a sorry piece of **#$^@&.
Hubs: You're crazy.
Me: What?
It's amazing what a dream can do.
Haaahhahahhaah!!!
ReplyDeleteKacie is from Indiana!!!! Keep an eye out!
DeleteHilarious - but I do feel a little tiny bit sorry for Hubby.
ReplyDeleteAh, I'm sure he deserved it somehow.
DeleteI can totally relate. I have some vivid dreams that make me sad or mad, sometimes downright horny.
ReplyDeleteI've had dreams about getting fired that make me not want to go to work.
Amazing what the subconcious can do.
WG
http://itsmynd.com
Maybe we should quit eating Mexican and drinking tequila before bed?
Deletetoo too funny!
ReplyDeleteYou're too funny! I nominated you for a Liebster Award. Are you on Twitter??
DeleteBa! Ha! Ha! Its scary what we can do in our sleep. I once woke up to my sleeping husband smacking me on the face to see if I had my gogglse on- he was going skiing in the morning. He denies this happening to this day but I no better!
ReplyDeleteBahhahahahahaa!
DeleteThat cheating bastard!!! He totally deserved it... even if he just cheated in your dreams. ;)
ReplyDeleteHubs says I do this often... not really the yell at him for cheating part (although, I totally would) but the talking half asleep thing. Usually, in my case, it's about imaginary spiders, apparently I see them everywhere. *shivers*
Our hubbies knew they were marrying crazy ladies, it shouldn't shock them too much that we take it in the bedroom (that totally sounds wrong...).
If that totally sounds wrong, I don't want to sound right!
DeleteBeth- it won't let me reply up there..?? But, I knew Kacie was a dirty tramp!
ReplyDeleteo_O
ReplyDeleteThankfully, my dreams are never as vivid as yours. I can only imagine what my temper would have me result in doing something truly devastating...
-Barb the French Bean