Interview with Lucindy

I am a girl, but I am not a fruity drink kind of girl. Keep your 'tinis, your 'itas, your weird named shots like "Smurf Uterus" and "Dancing to Wam! Songs on the Riverside". No, I'll just have a beer. Hold the umbrella and the girlishness. Thank you.

However, I will dance to a Wam! song on the riverside...while holding my beer.

So, while hanging on the patio and drinking mojitos with a friend the other night, I felt ridiculous and ashamed that I had let down the other women beer drinkers of the world by partaking in something that contains mint leaves. I'm sorry, ladies. I am so sorry.

Anyway, the fact that I rarely drink, and the fact that Captain Morgan likes to take advantage of this, I was nearly stoned after two helpings of the syrup.

So, under the influence of mojitos, my friend and I were discussing this blog. Yes, I've told you that I don't discuss this blog. I don't bring it up in random conversation. It was actually my friend, who I will call  Lucindy, that came up with the idea for this post.

No, her name isn't Lucindy, either. I could use her real name because she reads this blog, and she most definitely knows this is about her, but when I asked her if I could use her real name in this post, she drunkenly slurred, "No, I want to be called Lucindy." See the kind of dumb shit mojitos make you say? Guess what, I'm going to make her pay for drinking such an asinine drink, and I am going to call her Lucindy through the entire post.

I may even call her Lucindy for the rest of my life.

You like that, Lucindy?

So, Lucindy says to me, "Hey, there Writer, Rinser, Rapunzel, let's do an interview here. I'm going to (slurp) ask you some questions and then, like you are a famous person or something, you are going to answer them and then post them later."

Thanks, Lucindy, for pointing out to me what an interview is. Also, thank you for interviewing me for my OWN blog so that people will think I have such a huge ego that I want to share facts with them about myself.

L: So, (very serious face), how did you become a blogger?

At this point, Lucindy is drinking her mojito with a McDonald's straw, half way hanging out of a lawn chair, and trying to look smart, which only makes her look more like a drunk 30 year old drinking a mojito out of a McDonald's straw, half way hanging out of a lawn chair, and looking like an idiot.

Me: Well, Lucindy. The year was 1975 and I had just returned from a tour of duty in-
L: Okay, next question.
Me: You aren't going to let me answer?
L: You weren't even born in 1975.
Me: Yeah, but I like funny thorough answers. It was going to be a funny thorough answer.
L: So, who is your inspiration?
Me: Michael Jackson, when he was black.
L: What was that noise?
Me: What noise?
L: That little cricket like noise?
Me: Crickets?
L: How did it feel working with Edward Norton in "Fight Club"?
Me: You do not talk about Fight Club.
L: How did it feel working with Edward Norton in Edward Scissorhands?
Me: I feel like that never happened for several reasons.
L: Who was in Edward Scissorhands?
Me: Johnny Depp and a holly bush in the shape of a T-Rex.
L: What the hell has happened to Johnny Depp?
Me: He's having an affair with Tim Burton and is a weird-o.
L: Do you remember 21 Jump Street?
Me: Are you still interviewing me or just asking questions?
L: That's the same thing.
Me: Yes.
L: I have to get ready for a yard sale tomorrow.
Me: What are you selling?
L: Board games and old clothes.
Me: Do you have Battleship?
L: No, but I have Seinfeld Scene It.
Me: I would actually like that.
L: Thirty bucks and it is yours.
Me: Thirty bucks?!
L: It has a DVD.
Me: Still, thirty bucks is a lot for a used board game.
L: It has a DVD.
Me: I have sold tons of DVDs at yard sales. Never for thirty bucks.
L: What DVDs?
Me: Platoon.
L: For how much?
Me: A couple of dollars.
L: For a DVD?!
Me: Yes, idiot.
L: You don't know how to sell things.
Me: So, what would you sell Platoon for at a yard sale?
L: With Charlie Sheen's current stardom, I would have to get at least ten bucks.
Me: Charlie Sheen didn't autograph it, Lucindy. You can't get ten bucks for a used DVD at a yard sale.
L: But, IT'S A DVD!
Me: Are you still interviewing me?
L: What?
Me: The interview?
L: Oh, yeah. (clears throat, another big swig of mojito), so how did it feel to work with Charlie Sheen in Platoon?
Me: This is terrible.
L: What?
Me: This interview.
L: Well, what do you want me to ask, smart ass?
Me: I don't know. I was thinking something more "interview like".
L: What are your strengths?
Me: You're thinking job interview.
L: Okay, what are your weaknesses?
Me: Picking out people to interview me.
L: This was a bad idea. I can't think of any questions.
Me: I'm going to get a beer.
L: Bring me a mojito.
Me: You're such a girl.
L: Yes, I am. You should take a lesson and quit drinking beer.
Me: Beer is good.
L: So are mint leaves.
Me: Only in gum.
L: So you will chew minty gum and not drink minty drinks?
Me: Yes, this is correct.
L: What if they put barley in gum? Would you chew barley gum and quit drinking beer?
Me: No, I would chew mint gum and still drink barley beer.
L: I've got to get home and get ready for my yard sale. (Stumbling to her feet, straw hanging from her lips.)
Me: You are walking out on the interview.
L: Okay, one final question. Are you ready?
Me: I don't know.
L: What, in your opinion, would you say, is the, hiccup, biggest problem with the educational system in America?
Me: hysterical laughter.
L: What!?
Me: You are forgetting you teach while asking this question, correct?
L: No, why!?
Me: Ask me again.
L: What is the biggest problem in America's school system?
Me: Mojito drinking teachers named Lucindy.

Lucindy is a good old sport. We had a good laugh, she grabbed her bottle of Captain Morgan, and I assume she fell asleep in her garage while putting overpriced stickers on her husband's old board games.

How, you may ask, do I remember this interview word for word? Well, I don't. There were no pads or pens available. No one was recording this interview. But, I assure you, this is an incredibly accurate depiction of what happened. As scary as that may seem.