An Open Letter to the Cast of Jersey Shore

Guidos and Guidettes,

I am so privileged to watch your lives unfold on television each week. You all serve as upstanding role models, doing the most good for each other, your community, your nation- INSERT RECORD SCRATCH SOUND HERE- wait, I had you confused with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

I hope that you, the cast of Jersey Shore, are aware that no one watches your show because they respect you, find you worthy, or expect you to say something that requires half a chromosome to understand. Doesn't it make you proud that you are quite possibly the biggest joke to hit the streets since the AMC Pacer? (This joke compliments of Sophia Petrillo).

Okay, here's the problem. Your show has no valuable storyline- whatsoever. Week after week, we tune in to see excessive consumption of alcohol, rampant trading of gonorrhea, a bleep-load of bleeped out words, prostitute inspired outfits and Snookie's underwear. To top it off, you guys are what, like 30 by now? Isn't it time to move on and do something constructive with your lives? Make a difference. Help homeless pets. Be a role model to the young kids that watch your show. Quit injuring the ozone with all of the aerosols that you use on your body daily. I understand New Jersey is the armpit of America, but isn't it time for you to quit contributing to the stench of it all?

Waiting on a cab when you should be driving one.

Mike, you have to be pushing 40. It's time to quit with the hair fades. It's time to quit sipping your girly drink at the club and pulling up your corny bright yellow t-shirt to show your abs to young, syphilis-infected scum. It's time to realize that you really are a repulsive specimen. We have a Situation, alright. The Situation is that you are an old, disgusting man, and it's time for you to get out of the club and get into the front seat of a taxi cab and make a living as a chauffeur.

Hello, this is Jenny, how may I direct your call?

Jenny, I refuse to call you JWow. This is just a nickname you gave yourself because you have more silicone than the Valley. I barfed during Season 1 at the thought of smelling that black and white Pepe Le Pew skunk extension job you were sporting. Yet, somehow, you are the least disgusting of your entourage. You should really quit fighting girls in the club, contact Manpower, and try to find a job behind a desk. You actually have potential to be a good role model. I wish you would use it.

So ugly it hurts!

Dena, I bet you suffered immense pain when that steam shovel slammed into your face. The least you can do is quit getting so wasted that you fall every three minutes. I would hate for you cause more damage to your mug.

Who can take this seriously?

Pauly, I also refuse to call you "DJ Pauly D on the one's and two's." You are old enough to change diapers that are full of "one's and two's". No respectable man has a blow out and a Cadillac tattoo. I  think you could have potential as a family man and father, but I don't know who would want to marry you after seeing  your sexcapades on TV every Thursday night. Drink a gallon of bleach, quit with the "I just got electrocuted" hairstyle, and open a pizzeria. 

Vinny, you are too good for this. I was glad to learn that you decided to quit drinking and go home to your family. Therefore, I have nothing bad to say about you. Just lose the fauxhawk. (NO RIDICULOUS PHOTO REQUIRED!)

 "A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous"- CoCo Chanel.

Nicole, do you really want to be a 50 year old woman with the nickname "Snookie"? I would certainly hope not. Your poor boyfriend has it right when he says it's disgusting to get wasted off your ass and then show your ass to every person in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Quit wearing hair bows, Google tips on how to become a lady, get your liver checked, and do something with your life. It's rather sad and pathetic watching you poof your hair and then act like a complete hoe. You make Aileen Wuornos look like Emily Post. Google it.

I love that hair frying sound!

Samantha, you are too pretty to be associated with this garbage. Quit your bitching, call a cab, contact a beauty school, and straighten other people's hair for a living.

Ronnie, it isn't cool that you are proud you can make fruity concoctions in a blender. Man up and drink a beer. Treat Samantha better, lay off the steroids, chunk the black ankle socks, and take some vocational classes. I can picture you fixing a carburetor. 

"...and a touch of vermouth."

Now that I have children, I am super sensitive to the immoral crap that comes on television. MTV makes me sick, in general, and it is one of the nastiest networks on television. I haven't seen a music video on Music Television since N Sync's "Bye Bye Bye" in 2000, which was the beginning of the vile corruption this station airs. How can Dr. Drew tell kids to abstain when his network shows soft porn on Jersey Shore? I can assure you that it is these kinds of shows that contribute to this world being a shit hole. Would it be so horrible to make a reality show about people making a positive influence on this world? Is there anything positive about Jersey Shore, except for the STD tests?

I'm not judging. I'm stating facts.