Up Yours, Buddy!

Well, it is Pre Menstrual Susannah Week so that means I only have one thing on my mind: The Douchebags That Have Managed to Make My Life Hell for the Last Seven Days. 

Let's start off by explaining that I am not the type of trashy and scrappy girl that finds drama in most situations. I rarely have a problem with anyone. Even if I don't really click with a person, I can fake my way through our interaction by smiling and nodding and pretending to be interested in our conversation. That is just good manners. I am not the type to tell someone to shut the hell up and get out of my space, although the rude assholes I have had the privilege of being around this week certainly deserved it.

I pride myself on being a good friend. I try to help a friend in need, keep their whirlwind of shit confidential, and lend an ear or a shoulder if they need either. I met up with a "friend" of mine a few days ago, who has always had my loyalty, and I'm not sure what her problem is, but she's become a grade A bitch since the last time we hung out. During our "catching up" session, she was incredibly rude to me and deserved to be bitch slapped with a fully loaded water pistol on several occasions. I don't know why I didn't stop her in mid-eye roll and ask what the problem was, but I didn't. I just quietly took her crap and assumed she was going through some sort of stress and taking it out on me. I smiled and nodded and then made an early exit. Once we were apart, my feelings became really hurt, I got more pissed by the second, and I wrote off our friendship right then and there. This sounds petty, but I've legally been adult for over a decade now, and I don't have time to be mistreated like we have had a confrontation over Starbursts in the cafeteria at our elementary school. I am angry that this person gave me a reason to spend an entire afternoon wondering what it was I did wrong to deserve such treatment. I concluded that I haven't done anything to her, except go above and beyond the call of friendship. My text message draft is ready with a big fat "F U" if this person ever texts me again. In the words of Kandi Burress, I fly above all the hatas. Ugh, I just used the word "hatas". And I "hata" myself for it.

My shit list is relatively short, but it dons the name of one person that I have loathed since 2002. If I have to encounter Shim (this is my she-him combo to keep this extremely vague) one more time this week, I am liable to come un-effing-glued. I am hoping I do not have to come in contact with Shim until the seasons have changed. Maybe Summer 2038?  I need time to recover from the endless, foul, feces laden bull that spews from this dumbass's mouth. Shim, just stay away before I climb a clock tower with a loaded pellet gun.

To a fairly new person in my life, I have come to the realization that I don't like you either. I've really given you a chance over the last week, but I just cannot see us giving each other facials and bonding (not that I give my friends facials). Our parenting styles are too different. I think a kid needs socks in 24 degree weather, and I can't overlook your child freezing and gallivanting around in just a onesie, with a 4 inch drip of snot hanging from her nose. Put some clothes on the kid. It makes me nervous. I also know your oldest child made that macaroni necklace, but it's ridiculous to drone on and on every time I see you about how your tyke is gifted in designing noodle accessories. Also, your accent makes my ears bleed. I don't know how to tell you that this friendship isn't going to work, so please take the un-returned text messages as a hint to leave me alone. And, we aren't close enough for you to tell me what I should or shouldn't do with my life. Therefore, you will never be a part of it.

Speaking of un-returned text messages, I have 2 floating out in space. It's okay for me to not return the texts of an ignorant and bossy Minnesota native that I barely know, but it's not okay for a person that I have known for most of my life to leave me hanging in mid text. Next time I see you and you ask me, "Hey, what's been going on?", I am going to quietly stare at you for 4 days. That is the equivalent of an ignored text.

Maybe I should turn off my telephone, board up my house, and isolate myself every 3 weeks. Or maybe I should use this time to really evaluate who I need to eliminate from my life. Either way, I've really had it with these douchebags.

So, to my old friend, Shim, new friend, and non-text-message-returning friend, I've included this picture just for you.Classy, ain't it?