I Know What I Know

I don't know much, but...

I know I am going to get stuck next to the hippie with a scorching case of B.O. at every concert I attend. He will wave his hands in the air during the entire show, and I will eventually get a drunken buzz from his stench.

I know Matthew Mcconaughey would love me if he got to know me. He just needs to lift the restraining order.

I know when my mother sends me an email forward, it will somehow reference the evils of Barack Obama. Even if the subject line reads "Fwd: fwd: re: Fwd: fwd: Cute Puppies", a photo of Obama ripping off a poodle's head will be included.

I know God made Nutella. Everything from our Lord is good, and Nutella is good.

I know my son will poop his diaper at some point between the hours of 9 am and 3 pm. Daily.

I know I will throw up if I drink whiskey. I also know I will dance on the bar if I drink whiskey. I also know I will throw up and dance on the bar...simultaneously...if I drink whiskey.

I know my husband will fart at least 42 times between the hours of 7 am today and 7 am tomorrow. For eternity.

I know the 12,000 ton Hummer H3 that just cut me off is not being driven by a military general. I know it is being driven by an extremely petite, blonde, stay at home mother with a grocery sack of alfalfa sprouts and figs . And I know she is probably a bitch.

I know my daughter is only 5, but she will one day have her own comedy special.

I know if it is 75 degrees in the winter in Tennessee, I will hear a tornado siren.

I know the troll that lives under my bed will eff with my hair while I sleep. 

And that may be all I need to know.