Worst. Tooth. Fairy. Ever.

My daughter lost her first tooth last weekend.

I am an extremely emotional mother. I tear up at the mere thought of my children growing up. I cry like a buffoon every time we sing happy birthday. I cry when she requests Justin Beiber over Radio Disney (for many reasons). Of course I cried when she lost her first tooth. My baby isn't a baby anymore.

So, losing her first tooth was a huge deal.  We took pictures. We called relatives. We wrote in the baby book. We celebrated with a Pixar marathon and popcorn. And then the exciting part came. She went to bed and I was overjoyed that I could add "Tooth Fairy" to my resume of fictional characters that I play.

Once the kids were asleep and the tooth was tucked neatly under her pillow, Spouse and I watched J. Edgar. I was so disturbed at Leonardo Dicaprio in old man makeup that I wasn't thinking of much else. I mean this was my Leonardo Dicaprio. He was my first love. His photos graced my bedroom walls by the hundreds when I was 13. I wasted so much money on Teen Bop magazines just for a 1x1 photo of him randomly eating a taco. I was absolutely smitten. So, for me to watch a movie with him sporting a receding hair line and jowls, I was disturbed and not thinking of much else...certainly not the little tooth upstairs under my child's pillow.

 "We forgot the Tooth Fairy!" I exclaimed after we had gotten in bed. How traumatizing would it be for my daughter to wake up after losing her very first tooth to find absolutely nothing under her pillow? The very thought sent a shiver down my spine.

I bolted upstairs with a ten spot. She deserved ten bucks for the first tooth. And I deserved to be slapped for the near mess up.

Last night, sweet girl lost a second tooth. It, too, was a huge deal. We took more pictures. We called more relatives. And I made a mental note to NOT forget my role as Tooth Fairy that evening. I mean, if I can remember all the words to Ginuwine's "Pony", a song I haven't heard in 15 years, then I can surely remember to play Tooth Fairy. (Pony is really a disgusting song now that I sing it back to myself. Ugh.)

I started the Hunger Games trilogy last night. It's not my kind of read, but after it was recommended to me numerous times and a lady at play group encouraged me to "get out of my comfort zone" and read the damn thing, I was caught up in a weird ass dystopian world and wasn't thinking of much else...certainly not the little tooth upstairs under my child's pillow.

I had been sleeping for hours when I shot up in the bed.  I was forgetting something. I felt the need to scream out "Kevin!" like the mother in "Home Alone." What was I forgetting? The doors were locked, the boy's humidifier was on, the husband had been rolled on his back so his sleeping farts would not be aimed at me. Ah, it was probably nothing. 

I went back to sleep. It was a sound, drool producing sleep. I don't think I would have woken at a train hitting a nitroglycerin plant, and yet, I shot back up in bed. "The Tooth Fairy!"

I ran upstairs, half asleep, and made the tooth/cash transaction. And I felt horrible. My sweet girl was so darling sleeping there, so innocent and precious, anticipating more cash in place of her baby tooth. And I had nearly missed it...again. She deserved a Benjamin under her pillow.

I nearly blew it...twice.

But, I've been re-thinking this entire fictional fairy thing today. Maybe I am just a slacker mother and trying to find an excuse for my near misses, but isn't the entire concept of T.F. a bit asinine? I mean, it's a fairy. That steals teeth. For money. It sounds illegal to me. Who came up with this character? A grave robber?

The girl has two more loose teeth. Maybe I should turn in my bag o' teeth, hang up my wings, and retire early as Tooth Fairy since the job seems to be too much for me to handle. Or maybe I should just set my damn phone alarm to remind me to do my duty. 

I will just set the alarm. After all, if my daughter quits believing in Tooth Fairy or Santa or Easter Bunny, that is one more step towards adult hood. And I want my baby to stay my baby as long as possible.