Unisom, Laugh Tracks, PMS and DHS

Let me start this post by saying I am half way stoned out of my head on Unisom. This totally discredits the previous post (which I could provide a link to HERE, but I frankly don't care enough to do), where I was under the influence of Advil PM, and yet I insisted I am not a drug addict. But, here I am nearly looped out of my head again. I stand by my previous statement that I am not a pill popper. This may be the second time in my LIFE I have taken Unisom. Who are YOU to judge ME?

My head has been swimming with weird things since I took my generic gel cap. So, it's actually not Unisom but "Equate Sleep Aid" with a sticker on it that says "Compare to Unisom." You might as well compare it to Vodka or 9 Miller Lites, because that makes me sleep, too. Not that I am an alcoholic, either. Who are YOU to judge ME?

So, here are a couple of weird things I am pondering. Brace yourself. And prepare to take your mind to a place it has never been before. Unless you like Hunter S. Thompson, Stanley Kubrick or you've been on LSD. Which I have NEVER been on LSD. Can't judge that one, can ya, smartypants?

First off. Laugh tracks. Do you know what a laugh track is, my friend? That sound of fake laughter inserted in TV shows where something is supposed to be funny.

I hate laugh tracks. Am I too stupid to know when to laugh? It's especially terrible where something is totally un-funny but the laugh track is cranked up to 20 as if it is the funniest damn thing since dog lipstick. If you watch enough shows over and over, like my Golden Girls obsession, you hear the track repeated throughout the show. The same laughter, that one moron laughing a little louder than the others, a soft chuckle as the guffaws die down.

Scooby-Doo, circa 1969, has this kind of laugh track. It's a damn cartoon. We know there is no live studio audience. And we know Scoob and Shags eating a peanut butter sardine sandwich isn't that damn funny.

In addition to laugh tracks, there's the "awww" track used for especially disgusting moments when Topanga holds Cory's hand or Ross tells Rachel she's too little too late with her boring ass feelings for him or Michelle Tanner tells Uncle Jesse she loves him. I loathe the damn "awww" track. It makes me want to manually insert the remote or a shotgun shell through the screen. Awww.

PMS. My male readers, which I'm betting are few, will probably turn back now. Hell, I probably lost you at Unisom anyway.

I recently developed PMS. My hormones are so confused they don't know whether to scratch their watch or wind their butt. (Copyright, Dolly Parton). I am only 30, but I have night sweats and random chin pimples and mood swings that are enough to send Hannibal Lecter running for cover with a hand full of fava beans and a nice Chianti. I get mean, dammit. Real mean.

My poor husband doesn't know how to react to this PMS. We end up arguing because he thinks I am a bitch, and I don't know how to defend myself because I am. I actually had my divorce planned out in 45 minutes while suffering with PMS. I have a good husband. He's a wonderful provider, an excellent father and he would do anything for me (Insert "Awww" track here). Hormones must be powerful if they cause you to sit down and write out how much alimony and child support you deserve, plus itemize what you want to receive from the divorce settlement, all because he left a cabinet door open and his dirty drawers on the bathroom floor. Sheesh.

But, my PMS is done for the month so we are in love and shit again. Awww.

I just heard a kitten. I don't have a kitten. This Unisom is kicking my ass.

DHS stands for Department of Human Services or Department of Homeland Security. I've never had an encounter with either. But, I'm going to talk about the Human Services part of the acronym.

The boy had another meltdown today. This time we were in Target, and I was trying to get supplies for his Chugga-Chugga Two Two Thomas the Train birthday party. The boy, who was running low on sleep, cheese sticks and Juicy Juice, decided to have a meltdown because we didn't need 34 packages of Thomas plates. He was infuriated when I kept putting the ones we didn't need back on the shelf.

He fell out in the floor like a moron, kicking, screaming, snot pouring out of several crevices. This embarrasses the hell out of me, but I sweetly picked him up and tried to get his mind on something else. This worked until he found something else he couldn't have and back on the floor he was. One lady actually had to maneuver her cart around him, like avoiding a speed bump. I smiled and scraped him off the floor.

I also got real damn childish and threatened to cancel his birthday party and put  ALL the Thomas stuff back on the shelf. I told him he could sit in his booster seat and eat broccoli with no presents and no TV for his birthday. The threatening didn't work because he is going to be two and he doesn't give a damn anyway. He actually likes broccoli.

When tantrum four rolled around, I had reached my limit. I've never disciplined him in public before, but I just couldn't take it anymore. I yanked him off the floor and wore him out until he was stunned silent. Then, I practically threw, yes THREW, him in the buggy, told him to keep his mouth shut, and wheeled to check out. The crowd was shocked. I heard whispering and snickering, and I was embarrassed for different reasons.

People really tick me off. They stare at you when the kid is humping the floor and violently kicking his Crocs. Then they stare at you when you whip the kid. What do they want me to do?! First of all, it's no ones business how I discipline my child. And B, go try on another damn tankini and quit staring at me and my son. It's rude, asshole.

We check out, the poor kid is trying not to cry, and he's scared Mama is going to go apeshit on him again. He is sniffling like a crack addict, and we walk out of the store. There were police cars parked right at Target's front doors. They weren't there for me, but I nearly pissed myself and killed over from a coronary right there. I was just certain the business woman over in the Career clothing section of Target had called the Department of Human Services on me. Yeah, she looked like the type that solely believed in "time out". Time out doesn't work on a kid that bangs his head on the wall when you put him in his "quiet spot". My boy has his absolutely precious and sweet moments 93.77 percent of the time. But, the times when he turns into a foaming pit bull are the times when I have to whip his ass. Plain and simple.

My daughter never did this. I've been a mother for 6 years but this tantrum thing is new to me. When he is on the floor like that, I want to run to a different section of the store, get on the floor and scream and kick myself.  

What did I just talk about? I'm not really sure. I just looked up and saw a bunch of letters. PMSDHS. What does it all mean?

I'm going to sleep. (Insert "It's about damn time" track here).

P.S. I don't beat my kid regularly. I am a good mother to both of my children. I love them like Scooby Doo loves a laugh track and Scooby Snax.

P.P.S. Why do we say our leg is asleep? If it were asleep, wouldn't we have that weird feeling all over while we slept? Why don't we just say "My leg is buzzing". I don't associate the word "asleep" with the weird feeling I get when my random limb is asleep.

P.P.P.S. I once had a pen pal in Iowa. I signed up to get a pen pal from a far off and majestic place like the Netherlands or Newfoundland or New Orleans. Instead, I got Iowa. She talked about corn a lot. I didn't return her last letter. I wonder if she is on Facebook. Her profile picture is probably a picture of a corn field. I always thought about Children of the Corn when I talked to her. I think she sent me a picture. She had that hair cut like the girls in Children of the Corn. Or like Tennile from Captain and Tennille.

More P's and S'ss. Is Tenille from Iowa? Where was Ed McMahon born? Wait, back to Iowa. Those American Pickers are from Iowa, right? I bet they like to spoon each other behind the closed doors of antique armoires. Mike and Frank. They are a cute little fuzzy couple. Awww.