Facebook Vs. Twitter

I recently heard the most profound quote ever. Do you want to hear it? Quick! Go grab your book of profound quotes and rip that Oscar Wilde page out to make room for this one.

"The difference in Twitter and Facebook? Twitter makes me like people I don't know. Facebook makes me hate people I do know."

Genius, right?

That is pretty self explanatory, and I could end this post there, but now I have to go into great detail about how this is so profound. You know me. Type, type, type.

Let us begin with The Book of Face.

Facebook friends fall in several categories. Here they are.

1. The first category consists of people that you genuinely enjoy having as friends. These are your close friends, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, people that know you peed in a swimming pool, yet love you anyway. These are also people that you have drifted away from over the years, but you enjoy catching up with them and rekindling your friendship. These are also people that you need to keep in contact with, whether it be for school, work, extracurricular activities. These are also people that post things to make you laugh, cry, inspire you and make your social networking experience a better one. These are people that you genuinely enjoy having as friends. These are the only people you should have as friends.

2. The second category consists of people that you don't like. These are people that could mistake a turd for a brownie and you wouldn't correct them. These are people that probably made your life living hell at one time. These are people that you removed from your news feed, but keep them around just to keep the number of friends you have high so that you don't look like a loser. These people probably befriended you just to make fun of your pictures because you certainly make fun of theirs. I don't have many of these friends. I deleted them a long time ago. I should probably delete the remaining ones before they read this post and make it a point to offer me a turd in a Little Debbie wrapper.

3. The third category consists of people that you don't know. These are people you hung out with once, and were drunk the entire time. These are people that you befriended in the bathroom at a bar because you totally thought you should go shopping together tomorrow. These are people that you should delete, but again, you want to keep that friend number high.

The people in categories 2 and 3 are also the ones that usually require a  STFU  button in place of the Like button. Do you know what STFU means? If not, Google it.

Here are some examples where the STFU button is  needed.

"Good morning, FB!" posted at 5:43 am. Am I supposed to like the fact that you told a social networking site good morning? Am I supposed to comment on such an absurd status update? No, I should tell you to STFU.

"Well, big dinner planned tonight. I got meatloaf, collard greens, 3 cheese macaroni, homemade biscuits, broccoli cheese casserole, taters, pork loin and 42 ribs on the grill. Delicious apple pie and banana pudding with Nilla wafers for desert. Condiments include salt, pepper, ketchup, hot sauce, see more.." If your status update about dinner includes the little blue "see more" link then a.) you are having too much food and b.) STFU.

"I'm so mad right now I could spit nails! Arghhh!!" Okay, if you expect me to comment and ask what's wrong, then you might as well just STFU because you are begging people to ask and that ain't cool. Just tell us what's made you so mad or either STFU.

Then there's the loser that posts every You Tube video they've ever seen. We have the Def Leppard "Hysteria" CD. There's no need to post every song from the album. Oh, and that talking chinchilla isn't that amazing. Neither is the talking hermit crab, komodo dragon, carrot, etc.

This loser also does that link up thing where it shows every article they read throughout the day. "Loser just read 'How to Make a Pipe Bomb' on Blowshitup.com." Whoa. I'm actually glad I saw that you read that article. I now know to delete you immediately because you blew through all of your Facebook saves with that one. Red alert!

I could go on, but you get the point. Facebook is a wonderful tool for those you really like, but it makes you loathe people you already kinda loathed even more.

You dig?

Now, let's address The Twitter.

I have a few people that I personally know that I follow on Twitter, and they fall into the first category of Facebook friends. The rest are people that I don't know in real life, but have met through the blogging community, etc. Also, there is the handful of celebrities. I don't follow many celebrities.

Why? Because I am not a 17 year old girl wondering what articles of clothing the Kardashians didn't wear today.

I tried to follow Chelsea from Teen Mom 2, but she was constantly tweeting about that ass hat baby daddy Adam and posting endless pictures of that big, messy hair. I just couldn't handle her posts bumping my Huffington Post tweets into oblivion. However, in Chelsea's defense, she is a good mother. She's loads better than that Janelle. I would let Helen Keller keep my kids before I let Janelle. Fact.

And, of course, I follow The Hunger Games. Why? Because I am not a 17 year old girl, but the books are AMAZING! And no sarcasm intended. I'm serious. They are amazing.

I really enjoy The Twit. I enjoy discovering new blogs and ideas and awesome people that I never have to really meet. I enjoy all of the positive feedback that I receive from strangers who hold no beef towards me because I took their seat in the cafeteria over a decade ago.

Facebook? I get positive feedback, but it isn't always genuine. If a person from Facebook category 2 posts "Your daughter is absolutely beautiful" on an absolutely beautiful picture of my absolutely beautiful daughter, I know she is really thinking, "That is an absolutely beautiful little girl, but her mother took my seat in the cafeteria in 1998. I had to eat my stromboli at the loser table by the bathroom. The janitor had diarrhea in that bathroom that day. I will never eat stromboli again. She has an absolutely beautiful daughter, but she ruined stromboli for me. I hate her. Witch." 

No one will ever think that about me on Twitter.

In my mind, if there were a Social Network Games, the odds would be in Twitter's favor.

 

Since my drawing is so well, um, hideous, I must explain it. The Twitter bird is holding the bow which sent the death arrow into Facebook.  MySpace has turned to nothing but bones since it died out a long time ago. Yeah, that's supposed to be bones. Not golf balls. Or Styrofoam pieces. Or snow. Or packing peanuts. It's bones, dammit.