Blog Hating Douchebags

Douchebags are like dust mites. They are everywhere.

And I'd like to spray them with Pledge and shove a rag in their face.

No, I'd like to spray them with kerosene.

And shove a flaming rag in their face.

Yeah, that's what I'd like to do to douchebags.

And dust mites.

I've been blogging for a few months, and I really enjoy it. I enjoy any form of writing. I am happiest when I am pouring out my thoughts, whether it be mundane material for this blog or working on my book-which is at 98 percent completion, thank Heavens. Brace yourself, Renee. Your life is about to change.

But, there are some douchebags that want to rain on my blogging parade.

Why? Because that's the kind of crap douchebags do.

Even though I'm often thinking of subjects for my blog, I never, and I mean never, bring it up in normal conversation.

"Isn't it a shame about the situation in Mongolia?"

"Yeah, terrible. Did you read my blog today?" 

That doesn't happen.

In fact, I am usually too embarrassed to mention this blog.  I'm not sure how people feel about my opinions or my language or my random observations. I want people to read it, and comments make me so happy I could do a jump and squeal, but I don't want to let out a wolf whistle, interrupt the PTO meeting, and ask to see a show of hands on how many people saw my illustrations of an animal defecating while I vomit red Jello.

When people want to talk about my blog, I'm glad to discuss it, but I just don't want to be the first person to bring it up.

Back to the douchebags.

I've encountered several that say the following things. You know, real douchebaggy stuff.

"So, I saw you vacuuming your car today. Are you gonna blog about it?" 

Of course, they say "blog" in an extremely sarcastic and drawn out kind of tone.

"Here she comes. Watch what you say. She may blog about it."

Yeah, I might, Douchebag.

"This is Susannah. She has a blog." 

I also have a gun permit. 

So what I have a blog? I happen to like it. And, you know what? Other people like it, too.

Insert a sloppy, wet, raspberry in your face!!! 

No, this blog doesn't have deep meaning or purpose or give those crucial step by step instructions on how to save your goldfish from blood thirsty dwarfs. No, it isn't going to change the world. No, it isn't profound literature that will change your life. It is simply a place where I try to insert humor in unhumorous situations. If you don't like it, don't read it. 

This is a raspberry.
However, this is NOT me.

Just because I don't write in-depth things here doesn't mean that I don't have the sense to write intelligently. I've written quite a number of tear-jerking in-depth pieces. You may be surprised, but I am a moderately intelligent and very well educated person, with more creative writing and literature classes under my belt than....than...than...well, than a lot of people.

Insert an even sloppier, wetter, raspberry in your face! 

The next time these douchebags want to demean my writing efforts and sarcastically talk to me about my "blog", they will be featured in it- complete with full name, photo and a brief description on why they are too old to be haters.

Go shampoo carpets or whatever it is you do, Buttface.

I should have ended this with "douchebag" instead of "buttface", but "douchebag" was just getting too repetitive.