A Picture is Worth One Question

And if I've drawn the picture, the question is, "What is that?" 

I got a comment the other night from an anonymous person who suggested that I draw pictures for my blogs.

Anonymous wrote:
Your blog is funny. You should draw pictures. Pictures are funny.

First of all, when I receive anonymous comments, this is what I picture.

Scary, isn't it? I am requesting that from this point forward, anonymous people always include their full name, social security number and mother's maiden name. I need to know how to track you down and verify that you aren't some psycho in a totally scary mask. I don't like totally scary masks. Not even on Halloween.

So, anonymous person, you want me to draw pictures, eh?

No, you don't. 

Many of my favorite blogs include awesome illustrations that I would love to grace a mural in my formal dining room, next to Great Aunt Ida's china cabinet and Waterford Crystal. I mean, that Starry Night by Vincent Van G has nothing on The Sarcasm Goddess' pictures of her inflicting pain on her husband via karaoke.

If you want hilarious illustrations, visit The Sarcasm Goddess.  Or Two Beans Or Not Two Beans. Or Crack You Whip. Any of those will do.

I can barely read my own handwriting. Seriously. I haven't really written by hand since I had a job 6 years ago. The only thing I've really written with a proper pen or pencil is my name and a grocery list. Sure, I can sign the hell out of my name with elegance, and I have a mean curve on the G in "grapes", but my handwriting has seriously deteriorated over the last several years. In return, my "mad drawing skills" have suffered immensely, too. But this anonymous person in the totally scary mask wants me to draw some pictures.

To prove how bad my drawing skills are, I am going to attempt a small story, with illustrations.

Hi, my name is Susannah.

That's not a number 5 on my shirt, it is an "S" for my name and the fact that I am a superhero.

I seem to have nubs for fingers, yellow hair with some twigs stuck in it (highlights) and plump Botox-y lips.

I like standing on my tiptoes.

That one cloud is called a Cumulus Cloud.





A dog, that looks like a cat, has appeared out of no where on a leash, that looks like a thread.

I'm not sure if his tongue is sticking out of his mouth or if he grabbed a hot dog off the ground.

Or if he has a beak.

He also seems anemic and pale in color. 






It looks like the digestive process has come full circle with the pale dog that looks like a cat on the thread-like leash.

He's either panting or he likes to eat hot dogs while he defecates.

Or he's not really a dog that looks like a cat, but some kind of bird, with a beak.









It appears the pale cat bird dog thing has run away, with its thread-like leash, but it left its fecal matter behind.


Magically, my face is two shades tanner than in the last photo.

That Cumulus cloud must be producing UVA rays or something. 










I am an upstanding citizen because I pick up poop whenever the opportunity presents itself.


I also have a Go-Go Gadget arm that stretches up to lengths of 7 feet while my other arm hangs awkwardly.

My dress is now a different shade of blue.

I am still on my tiptoes.





Wow, that poop had a powerful stench.

I totally just spray painted that red Jello I had earlier all over the ground.

It's not blood, really.

It's red Jello.

A lot of red Jello.

I like red Jello.





Flies are attracted to recycled red Jello.

All that puking took the color right out of my face and drained the Botox from my pencil thin lips.

My dress has reverted to its original color because it is a Hypercolor dress. 

I'm still on my tip toes.

That Cumulus cloud hasn't moved.



The unknown animal is back sans his thread-like leash.

He's anemic so he mistook the Jello for blood and decided to lick it because anemic mysterious animals are disgusting.

The paleness of my face and open mouth show how horrific this has become.

That was good Jello.

The animal thinks so, too. 

I like standing on my tiptoes.




So, who's going to fund my new art gallery?

Anyone? Anyone?

No one?

Aw, another pipe dream shattered. 

PS-I am extremely anal about my blog appearance, spacing, line breaks, paragraphs. When I draft my posts, they are aesthetically pleasing. When I publish them, Blogger makes a mess of them. Blogger inserts line breaks, spaces, and moves my pictures. Please don't hold the non-uniform posts against me. It's all Blogger's fault.